The uncomfortable middle nobody really prepares you for.
There is a peculiar disappointment that can come with finally choosing yourself.
You imagine that after all the thinking, questioning, second-guessing and gathering of courage, making a decision that honors your own needs will bring some wonderful sense of relief.
Perhaps a little peace. A clear head. A feeling that you’ve finally turned a corner.
Instead, you might find yourself standing in the kitchen feeling guilty, sad, uncertain and rather tempted to put everything back the way it was.
Well, this is awkward.
You did the difficult thing. You made a different choice.
So why doesn’t it feel better?
The familiar doesn’t stop being familiar just because it wasn’t good for you
When you’ve spent years doing things a certain way, those habits become part of how you move through life.
You know what people expect. You know how to respond. You know which responsibilities are yours, even when nobody has actually asked whether you want them.
You might be the one who always agrees, keeps the peace, makes the arrangements or steps in when someone else has a problem.
It may be exhausting, but at least you know your part.
Then something changes.
Perhaps you begin saying no. Perhaps you stop explaining every decision. Perhaps you take some time for yourself instead of automatically being available.
And suddenly, life feels unfamiliar.
You haven’t necessarily lost anything you wanted to keep. But you may have lost the comfort of knowing exactly how things usually go.
Even when an old pattern was costing you something, it still offered predictability.
And predictability can be surprisingly difficult to give up.
You can miss something without wanting it back
This is where things can become confusing.
You might miss the familiarity of a relationship while knowing that certain parts of it weren’t working for you.
You might feel sad about changing your role in a family, even when that role left little room for your own needs.
You might miss being the person everyone depended on, while also feeling relieved that you’re no longer responsible for everything.
These feelings can exist together.
Missing something doesn’t automatically mean you should return to it.
And feeling relieved doesn’t mean you never cared.
Sometimes you’re grieving a familiar way of life while trying to create a different one.
There isn’t always a neat little emotional handover where the old feelings politely pack their bags and leave.
They can hang around for a while.
Rather inconsiderate of them, really.
Guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong
If you’re accustomed to putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, making room for yourself can bring guilt.
Not because your decision was necessarily unkind, but because it was different from what you’re used to doing.
Perhaps you declined an invitation because you needed a quiet weekend.
Perhaps you told someone you couldn’t help this time.
Perhaps you allowed another adult to manage a problem without immediately stepping in.
Then comes the uncomfortable question:
Am I being selfish?
It’s worth examining that feeling rather than treating it as proof.
Did you act against your values? Were you unnecessarily hurtful? Is there something you genuinely need to put right?
Or are you uncomfortable because, for once, you considered yourself before automatically agreeing?
Those are different situations.
Sometimes guilt points towards something that deserves attention. Sometimes it reflects an old expectation you’re learning to question.
The feeling itself doesn’t make the decision for you.
The temptation to go back
When change becomes uncomfortable, returning to an old pattern can feel very appealing.
You know how to be the person who always says yes.
You know how to smooth things over.
You know how to keep everyone comfortable, even when you’re not particularly comfortable yourself.
And perhaps part of you thinks it would simply be easier to go back to doing that.
Sometimes it might be easier in the short term.
But it’s worth remembering why you wanted something to change in the first place.
What was happening in your life that made you stop and question your choices?
What were you repeatedly setting aside?
What did the old arrangement ask of you?
You don’t need to turn the past into a villain to recognise that something wasn’t working.
And you don’t need to prove your strength by refusing ever to reconsider a decision. New information matters. Circumstances change. Sometimes the sensible thing is to adjust your approach.
The important thing is to make that choice thoughtfully, rather than allowing an uncomfortable feeling to make it for you.
What do you do in the uncomfortable middle?
You don’t necessarily need a grand plan.
You might just need a little space between what you’re feeling and what you decide to do next.
Suppose you’ve started giving yourself more quiet time, but you feel guilty because you haven’t been as available to everyone.
Before rushing to apologise, make promises or fill your calendar again, consider three things.
First, notice what’s actually bothering you.
Are you missing someone? Worried about disappointing them? Feeling lonely? Or simply unsettled because your days look different?
You don’t have to solve every feeling. Sometimes naming it gives you a clearer picture.
Second, remember what you were trying to change.
Perhaps you needed more time with your children, more energy for your own responsibilities or simply some breathing room.
Those needs don’t become unimportant because you feel uncomfortable.
Third, choose one small response that fits the person you’re trying to be.
You might reconnect with someone without offering to take on their problems.
You might decline something kindly without giving a detailed explanation.
You might recognise that you genuinely want to help this time and choose to do so freely.
Self-loyalty isn’t about always choosing the same response.
It’s about being included in the decision.
You don’t have to feel wonderful about every good decision
Some choices bring relief immediately.
Others bring a mixture of relief, sadness, uncertainty and questions you haven’t answered yet.
You may be pleased with how you’re changing while still finding parts of the process difficult.
You may have days when the old way of doing things feels tempting.
And you may discover that a decision you made needs some adjusting.
None of that means you have to abandon the work you’ve begun.
It means you’re learning.
Perhaps the next step isn’t to force yourself to feel better.
Perhaps it’s simply to stop expecting every meaningful change to feel comfortable from the beginning.
You can acknowledge what’s difficult, consider what you’ve learned and decide what you want to do next.
No dramatic transformation required.
Just one honest choice, followed by another.
And a little patience with the person learning to make them.
A Moment of Reflection
Think of one change you’ve made that still feels uncomfortable.
Are you questioning the decision itself, or are you finding it difficult to live with something unfamiliar?
You don’t need an immediate answer. Just notice the difference.
From the Studio — A Small Step
The next time you feel tempted to undo a decision simply to escape discomfort, give yourself a moment before acting.
Ask:
What has actually changed since I made this decision?
If something important has changed, consider your options.
If nothing has changed except how uncomfortable you feel, perhaps give yourself a little more room before deciding what comes next.
The practice isn’t about forcing yourself to stick with a decision. It’s about giving yourself the chance to make the next one thoughtfully.
From my studio to yours,
Self Loyal Studio